1st April, 2023
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has announced reversal of UK’s Brexit, following revelations of massive referendum vote hacking. British intelligence working with counterparts in Estonia, Ukraine and Poland have uncovered evidence that votes in the 2016 Brexit referendum converted Remain votes to Leave votes. The hack, code named Project Tonsils, was discovered on the day of the vote. But the discovery came too late to halt a mass of false votes being cast and counted.
Project Deep Tonsils was allegedly managed by a network of spies and criminals operating at the behest of the North Korean government. The mastermind behind the project is Ryu Jun-seo. Ryu’s name is believed to have provided an unintended clue to the mass fraud which occurred in June 2016. Search engine optimisation is thought to have been suborned across the entire internet to access online voter accounts.
British citizens casting their referendum votes online made up a relatively small proportion of the overall voting numbers. However they were sufficient for North Korea’s international hacker network to turn the vote from a clear Remain majority to a marginal Leave one.
Following a joint session with King Charles III, the Houses of Parliament, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Worshipful Company of Wax Chandlers, Sunak released a brief statement. “Brexit’s reality is no longer valid and the United Kingdom is returning to its previous state of prosperity and growth. Institutions such as the NHS, our transportation systems, education and the civil service will once again be able to hire the professionals they need to function properly. The City of London will be once again a fully functioning financial centre.” He added that “We look forward to a return to working with the European Union to protect vulnerable migrants, so that they are no longer driven to take the horrific journey across the sea. The illusion that they can disappear into the UK’s unmonitored black economy will be dispelled once and for all.”
Efforts to track down mastermind Ryu Jun-seo are now underway, following his sighting in Burnham-on-Sea on Friday. Clutching his fish and chips (open) close to his chest Mr Ryu was spotted sprinting along the seafront towards a busstop, before disappearing under the pier. Extensive searches failed to discover Ryu who is believed to be swimming to France. As an EU member, the UK is trusting the French authorites to nab the brain behind Project Tonsils.
Sunak concluded his announcement with the news that EU rules protecting coastlines, scientific endeavour and investment in declining regions throughout the UK could now be implemented, along with coordinated and realistic support for Ukrainian refugees and defence. He added that cancelling Brexit also means that there is no further need for the Northern Ireland Protocol nor the Windsor one. The Democratic Unionist Party welcomed the announcement and is returning to government in Northern Ireland following many years of skiving at taxpayers’ expense. And all will be well. As if.