The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde at the Noël Coward Theatre in London – a review

Oscar would’ve loved it! And we did too. Having seen or read this play so very many times, I expected to enjoy it, but not to be in absolute hysterics throughout. Max Webster’s direction and the incredible cast delivered a performance that for me is unmatched. Wilde’s tale of entangled double lives, money, desire and connivance was delivered in extravagant and raunchy style. All levels of this story, at once superficial and profound, were explored and the result was a mad and earthy delight.

I loved the boldness of the direction and acting, which have usurped my previous favourite version. This was the 1993 staging at the Aldwych, when Maggie Smith delivered the handbag line with such mild, quizzical disbelief, almost a sympathetic whisper. And her pronunciation of “profile” as “profeel” and her slight hesitation over the line ‘he is an … Oxonian’. Such undertones!

There were very few unexplored undertones in the energetic burlesque at the Noël Coward. The play was explicit in every dimension from Stephen Fry’s Lady Bracknell’s shrieking of the handbag line, through to Kitty Hawthorne’s Gwendoline’s lust filled gestures and delivery.

What made this such an outstanding rendition of an already funny play? Wilde called this, his last of four so-called drawing room plays, ‘A Trivial Comedy for Serious People’. And on the page you can find all sorts of seriousness: being sexually frustrated, broke, poor, unloved. There’s old age and loneliness, guilt, deception, and hypocrisy. On stage such frailties make us laugh, but rarely do we see or laught at explicit sexual frustration and ambivalence. Until now. 

It is the outstanding Kitty Hawthorne playing Gwendolen Fairfax who sets this tone from the start. She almost, but not quite, steals the show. At once bossy and demanding and charming – how she manages this I have no idea – you at once dread what she’ll say and do next and eagerly anticipate it’s impact on her fellow players. Sometimes she’s growling and lascivious and sometimes prim and bossy. Priceless. Coming hot on Kitty Hawthorne’s heels is Hayley Carmichael’s Merriman/Lane performance. This too almost, but not quite, upstaged the rest of the cast. Her Lane was at once aloof, nonchalant and disrespectful, and her confused and slightly demented Merriman has surely never exhibited such enormous personality. Hysterical and transfixing.

Back to Kitty Hawthorne, played loud and determined, her Gwendolen is the perfect harbinger of her older self (yes, like her mother Lady Bracknell). She’s determined to have a man called Earnest, and Jack is the perfect choice: she’s fallen in love on hearsay, with an idea, with a suitable candidate she has decided will meet her needs. That he’s a liar and broke is irrelevant. She wants Algernon Moncrieff even more once she lays eyes on him. Her frantic use of a fan to cool her face and thighs as she nearly snarled the lines that the name Earnest ‘produces vibrations’ and ‘I am fully determined to accept you’ brought the joyous tears streaming.

Wilde and sex have always been equated on his personal level, but not so much in his plays. But in this performance sex is as important as earnestness; maybe it is earnestness. It’s wonderful to see Wilde’s work taken out of the society comedy box and put on as portrayal of how people might actually feel about one another. The only gripe I have with the presentation of sexuality is the few lesbian interactions in the stage direction. There is no need to show us Cecily and Gwendoline licking at one another – it’s already there in the lines: ‘I already like you more than I can say’ et al. The incidences of gratuitous lesbian posturing were a completely unnecessary distraction that went absolutely nowhere. They can be done without.

I have always wondered why it is that the two young women in this play are often played as much the same character, when on the page they are immensely different. Jessica Whitehurst’s Cecily Cardew is spoilt, loud and clear and not just a bit of ballast for the plot. She’s naughty and wayward and Whitehurst brings a wonderful unpredictability to the role. Jessica Whitehurst gives us a Cecily Cardew of a much more distinct character. She’s also sexually ambitious, holding onto Algernon tight and leering at him when other characters are speaking. So funny.

Olly Alexander is, for me at least, an unexpected delight as Algernon Moncrieff. He balances campy skittishness with almost drooling desire to perfection. Nathan Stewart-Jarrett’s Jack Worthing brings a bizarre underlying neurosis to the part, alternatively wanting to be in control and stressing at the tension of it all. Stephen Fry is nothing short of monumental as Lady Bracknell. Tightly upholstered she is hugely present, without conquering all before her. Everyone gets to shine and each player really does own it: Shobna Gulati’s Miss Prism and Hugh Dennis as Reverend Canon Chasuble create a subplay all their own. Another rendition the sex theme, this time for older people, is visible in their understated mutual attraction. Their interactions are devoid of anything like carnality or lust. But they are touchingly infused with longing and tenderness and the hint that such feelings are probably a first for both of them. 

Both the play’s opening prologue scene and the closing one were musical performances involving lots of noise, dancing and the whole cast. Drastically different, they provided an introduction the players and then gave the audience an utterly wild and unconventional encore. Everyone was dressed as a giant lily or suchlike, the diameters of which varied with the scope of the actors’ parts. The spectacular costumes for the finale echoed the joyful vibrancy, timeliness and currency of both the performance and Wilde’s play. His words resonate still as do his perceptive insights for his own and our own times. His understanding of our frailties, our vanities, wants and desires is as astute today as when the original production was staged in February 1895. Director Max Webster told The Stage magazine last October that he wants to make work that “speaks to as many people as possible”. At the intimate Noël Coward Theatre, the perfect venue for this most perfect of plays, he has succeeded admirably. 

Additions for the Newfie medical dictionary

Homebrew Talk, a website for home brewers based in Newfoundland has put together a very funny list of alternative medical terms. You can find the list here: Newfie medical dictionary

I’ve got a few additions for it. I hope they make you smile.

aspirin……………………………………………………………. ambitious

bandage …………………………………………………………  to do with musicians

catarrh……………………………………………………………. country in the middle east

coccyx…………………………………………………………….. the cock before cock seven

disease…………………………………………………………… this ain’t hard

electrocardiogram………………………………………… exciting message on a jumper

enzyme…………………………………………………………… the one before ozyme

femur……………………………………………………………… pay more

forceps…………………………………………………………… two sets of biceps

general practitioner……………………………………… march in uniform with medals

herpes…………………………………………………………….. not his peas

incontinent……………………………………………………. worldwide traveller

infectious………………………………………………………. factually correct

inpatient………………………………………………………… not inclined to wait

intrapartum…………………………………………………… between festivities

jockstrap……………………………………………………….. device for catching sporty men

ketones………………………………………………………….. best notes in a song

laxatives…………………………………………………………. lazy relations

lesion……………………………………………………………… 3000 – 6000 Roman soldiers

lobotomy……………………………………………………….. low slung bum

lupus………………………………………………………………. cat’s litter tray

measles………………………………………………………….. not all about you

menopause……………………………………………………. taking a relationship break

node……………………………………………………………….. kind of poem

oestrogen………………………………………………………. he’s wanking

pessaries………………………………………………………… people who eat fish

placenta…………………………………………………………. Italian for calm down

platelets…………………………………………………………. saucers

physical………………………………………………………….. carbonated

pneumonia…………………………………………………….. the latest monia trend

polio……………………………………………………………….. poor lion

prostate…………………………………………………………. in favour of the system

pulmonary…………………………………………………….. posh train carriage

retrovirus………………………………………………………. vintage ’flu

scalpel……………………………………………………………. going bald (thank you Debbie)

semen…………………………………………………………….. sailors

surgery…………………………………………………………… Russion youth hostel

sutures…………………………………………………………… looks nice on yous

syndrome………………………………………………………. place of vice

syringe……………………………………………………………. Lady Ringe’s partner

testicle……………………………………………………………. a littlr exam

ultrasound…………………………………………………….. really healthy

vas deferens………………………………………………….. what’s changed?

vein…………………………………………………………………. not humble

vulva………………………………………………………………. Swedish car

Apologies for absence

We’ve lost a wonderful colleague and friend, the author Geoff Gudgion. He was lost to a devastating disease that took a mere few weeks to claim him. So how do we say we miss you? How do we say we’re so sorry to his family, when we don’t know them? How do we accept that we didn’t really know you Geoff? We are missing you, but only that part of you that you shared with us. 

I can share what we do know and maybe that small sliver reflects Geoff more broadly. Geoff was always impeccably dressed carrying himself and his lovely clothes with a subtle blend of playfulness and dignity. At Authors’ Club events he sometimes looked like he was on his way to a wedding or to meet royalty, such was his bearing and carriage. A published author Geoff wrote ghost stories, historical fantasy, novellas and short stories. His writing world was peppered with the supernatural and fantastic characters like Adelais, his cross-dressing warrior nun. Not the sort of thing I read much, but very popular. Geoff had a solid and reliable market of happy readers and enviable sales.

We met at our publisher’s offices where we had been invited to learn more about something social media related. A sort of workshop it was. Sitting in my first fiction publisher’s office to talk about my first novel, I was so very over excited, so early and so feeling like I was on my way as a fiction writer (I wasn’t). The books lining the publisher’s office walls, the little kitchen area, the serious faces of the people going to and fro, talking is low tones about books and writing. The smell of books and print and the door leading to what were surely hallowed spaces beyond the lobby area. We would soon be part of that sacred space having sacred conversations about writing and the sacred publishing process. It was all so grown up. 

As the minutes oozed slowly by I was watching my hands, even shakier than usual. And in swans Geoff Gudgion. This man so tall, so straight and confident, so in control. I thought he must be something military and later found out that he had been in the Royal Navy for many years. That day when we met, he was wearing a short cut leather jacket and chinos, with seriously smart shoes and bright blue socks. The bright blue was picked up in a navy blue shirt open at the neck and patterned with little dots or were they diamonds? Attractive, smart and elegant, with just a hint of teasing flirtatiousness.

He sat down next to me super cool, urbane. Geoff just as excited as me but without the fidgeting. Geoff was not a debut author, which for me gave him considerable writerly authority. We chatted about how we each came to be with the publisher, what we expected in the workshop, what our books were about. And walking back to the tube he said he’d love to be part of the Authors’ Club. That was the beginning of what might otherwise have been nothing more than a brief moment of shared experience. I am very glad that it wasn’t.

Over the few years since that initial meeting we, along with other Authors’ Club members, met often. Soon Geoff joined the Authors’ Club Executive Committee and took on the Treasurer’s duties. He was supportive of writers as much as readers. Besides doing the financial work superbly, Geoff was an especially committed reader for the Best First Novel Award and he attended pretty much all the Authors’ Club monthly lunches. At our James Bond dinner in 2023 to celebrate Casino Royale’s seventieth birthday, Geoff channelled Bond to perfection. He was immaculate in black tie, complete with white dress scarf. 007 personified Geoff swanned about, martini in hand, working the room and in command.

But these little moments shared at Authors’ Club events were all we really have of the man. The rest of his life belonged to his family and many friends and colleagues. We knew he was his wife’s carer and support. We knew he had a son in Australia who came to visit. We knew he organised a local meet and greet event with thriller writer Frederick Forsyth. We knew he was a keen horseman and we knew of his 17 year old warmblood Elsa’s gifted performance in the dressage arena. (I think it’s Elsa.) He loved telling tales of her misdemeanors and brilliance. Elsa’s apparently got a habit of jumping out of dressage arenas to bog off somewhere more interesting. Telling me about such moments I had the impressionn that Geoff was less cross than thrilled. An unexpected jaunt through the woods is far more interesting than halting at X or cantering a 15 metre circle. Geoff struggled with this because he had one leg longer than the other. A special shoe compensated for this on the ground. But wasn’t much good when he was riding, so he had to sit very straight to stop the circle becoming a spiral. What a strange thing to know about a man.

Geoff was also a keen shot and chef. Annoying pigeons on his front lawn were regularly dispatched, especially when Geoff was expecting people for lunch. To my look of horror at this information, Geoff told me his guests very much enjoyed home made pigeon pie (with home made pigeons) in burgundy gravy, served with mashed potatoes and peas. 

Fragments, little pieces of a life. We have these and the sense that we might have meant something to the man. We might have added a dimension to his world that he valued and enjoyed. He gave us so much of his grace and charm, his wit and insightfulness and his patience. A military man to the end even in such terrible and sudden ill-health. He was charming, stoic, diplomatic and above all kind. I am glad to have shared a small sliver of his world. 

When last we met at the Authors’ Club summer drinks, we chose wine number 007 from the National Liberal Club wine list. It’s Pommery Brut Royale BV Champagne described as “harmonious and never grows tiresome”. Much like Geoff really, a champagne of a man. We and many others will miss you very much.

A man gently holds the reins of a black horse while standing in a stable. The man smiles warmly, wearing a light blue shirt, with a relaxed and friendly demeanor.

Cannery Row by John Steinbeck – a book review

Published in 1945, Cannery Row breaks with Steinbeck’s earlier models in that it is a series of sometimes disconnected stories, rather than a cohesive narrative with an obvious story arc. At first glance it appears to be a very dense novel of allegory and tenderness, looking like another story of a dissolute group of men. They’re slightly devious, definitely unreliable  and all of them victims of something: a physically abusive wife, frustrated ambitions, laziness and alcohol. Cannery Row looks like it’s a tale of male friendship and yet it is not. The women have their own cohorts: the women working for Dora the local madam and the middle class busy bodies who try to exert power over the bars and brothel. As with Tortilla Flat the author is showing us an Arthurian allegory, based on life in a particular locale. He presents the bit of Monterey, California where the daily sardine catches are processed and canned in dedicated canning factories. This part of Monterey is long since gone: Cannery Row drifted into redundancy due to overfishing and now it’s a tourist destination.

The Cannery Row of 1943 as John Steinbeck tells it, is home to a group of apparently decadent characters: “the gathered and scattered, tin and iron and rust and splintered wood, chipped pavement and weedy lots and junkheaps, sardine canneries of corrugated iron, honky tonks, restaurants and whore houses, and little crowded groceries, and laboratories and flophouses”. In his novel’s first paragraph John Steinbeck tells us what to expect of his novel. In telling us this, Steinbeck’s opening paragraphs are reminiscent of Shakespeare’s prologues to Romeo and Juliet and Henry V. We’re told the set up.

Steinbeck’s story progresses slowly and he explores his themes through different narratives. Money is a big deal. And death and rebirth. Then there is love and kindness and of course human frailty. In a letter to his friend Carlton A. Sheffield in September 1944 just after Steinbeck had finished Cannery Row, he says he wrote the book with four levels. Tantalisingly he doesn’t say what those levels are, but I think he means as a simple set of stories, as an allegory, as a picture of Cannery Row and as an antedote to war. Despite its creation date (he began the book in 1943), there are no references to World War II at all in Cannery Row. The only military reference is the dawn walk of a pair of soldiers with their girlfriends, welcoming the rising sun: “… and the men lay down and put their heads in the girls’ laps and looked up into their faces. And they smiled at each other, a tired and peaceful and wonderful secret.” Beauty not destruction, even though the men are soldiers.

So what is this short novel about? First of all money. When Mack and the boys embark on an expedition to collect a few hundred frogs that Doc, owner of the marine biology lab, will sell on, they have no money for fuel. Nor do they have a vehicle. They persuade local grocer Lee Chong to let them take his derelict car which he got in return for clearing a groceries debt. The truck doesn’t go and of course it has no fuel. Doc arranges for fuel and the boys fix the truck up well enough to get to the place where there are lots of frogs. Except the truck’s frailties are such that it can only get up hills, if it is in reverse. After several mishaps, including one of the boys ending up in jail, they have their frogs. They return triumphant to Cannery Row and throw a party for Doc in his lab. Doc arrives home long after his party is over, his lab trashed and the frogs escaped to local culverts, ponds and streams. But in between the boys arriving home triumphant with their frogs and the ill-fated party, the frogs have become a trading currency in the neighbourhood. No winners where financial greed is concerned. The boys throw another party for Doc and this one he does make and enjoy, despite the second party ending up much like the first.

And then there’s death. No Steinbeck story would be complete without a violent death. In Cannery Row it comes early with the suicide of a local man indebted to Lee Chong. By handing over an abandoned building he owns in Cannery Row before blowing his brains out, the man settles his debt to the grocer. The boys suggest that the building is in need of protection from vandals and fire, so they should stay there for a nominal rent. This is never paid, but the boys move in and turn the old fishmeal store into a home they call the Palace Flophouse. Death and rebirth.

A little glimpse into the life of a gopher flips this around. A whole chapter is dedicated to a gopher, sleek and handsome and in the prime of life. He diligently builds a home for his mate who never materialises, even though his burrow “was a place where he could settle down and raise any number of families and the burrow could increase in all directions”. Eventually he gives up, abandons his lofty palace and moves to a nearby garden known for putting out lethal gopher traps. Death finds us all. Doc exploring Pacific tide pools discovers the body of a lovely young woman “wedged between two rocks”. He chooses to not claim the bounty: “will you report it? I’m not feeling well,” he tells another man on the beach.

Love and kindness are common themes in the work of John Steinbeck and in Cannery Row it’s part of almost every subplot. Lee Chong is generous and patient with people he knows are out to rip him off or steal from him. When he’s persuaded to lend the Mack and the boys his truck: “Lee was worried but couldn’t see any way out. The dangers were there and Lee knew all of them. ‘Okay, ’ said Lee”. Doc’s endless patience with the boys even though he knows there’s an agenda somewhere. Between shifts, the women of the Bear Flag brothel take soup out to local people ill with the ’flu. Despite the exhuberant trashing of his lab, Doc helps cure Mack’s puppy of distemper. Having noticed that he only has a grubby blanket for his bed, the whores sew a quilt for Doc’s birthday. The cruelties in the book, such as the likely fate of Frankie, a mentally frail young boy, are necessary counterpoints to these and many other expressions of love.

Human frailty and agency in all their manifestations permeate Steinbeck’s work and especially Cannery Row. Every decision we make or avoid has consequences, from drinking too much to not drinking enough. In Cannery Row, everyone’s choices are resolved one way or another, from Lee Chong’s greed and willingness to accept frogs as money, through to Frankie’s theft of a $50 clock and subsequent arrest. 

In less than 40,000 words of dazzling prose there is all this and much more. Cannery Row is short but it’s extremely dense, and that’s the novel’s power. Brevity masks the hugeness of story telling that makes Cannery Row an intensely powerful novel, both in its own time and for our own.

Too lazy to work out how to email you

It’s beyond my patience threshold to work out how to email subscribers to a WordPress site. But WordPress subscribers get an automatic email when you post a blog which is great. So instead of only subscribers getting this news, everyone will. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

The news is that I have managed to sell, yes sell for actual money (not much), a piece of narrative fiction/travel writing! It’s here: https://theglobalvoyagers.com/destination-insights/hydra-greek-islands/laurellindstrom/hydra-small-island-big-impressions/ I hope you enjoy the article and support the site.

Enjoy!

-Laurel.

A book review: Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck (published 1935)

Written forever ago describing places and people that can no longer exist in America, and yet so very contemporary. Reviews of Tortilla Flat have been coming out off and on for nearly one hundred years. I haven’t read any of them, but surely they also say that this short novel harbingers the Steinbeck of Nobel and Pulitzer. In Tortilla Flat we can already hear Steinbeck fast becoming a master craftsman. He’s only 33 years old but his authorial voice is loud and clear. Tortilla Flat is an early work, barely a novella and in this book Steinbeck flexed muscle and bone as hard as his Tortilla Flat characters avoid doing so. You could read it as a mysoginistic series of gruff clichés, except that the male friendship group Steinbeck describes is so tenderly drawn and they are such lovers and respecters of women. Or maybe they just fear them? Steinbeck’s female characters have such agency, even Señora Cortez who is barely 25 and has 9 children. She’s not entirely sure why and doesn’t much care who the fathers are. She and her mother thrive and her children are healthy and strong.

Tortilla Flat isn’t a single narrative but a series of little tales, written pictures, whatever you want to call them. John Steinbeck doesn’t be doing with the show don’t tell school of writing so championed by Ernest Hemingway. Steinbeck’s characters don’t need to be shown because his loving portrayals tell us who they are, he describes them so tenderly, so beautifully. And anyway I think the show don’t tell thing is a feint for writers too scared to let their imaginations loose on character. No risk of that with Steinbeck.

Tortilla Flat is set just after the first world war. It’s a series of windows we look through into other peoples’ lives. The lives we’re shown are those of a group of paisanos living in the hills behind Monterey, California. A muddle of Mexican and Italian, paisanos are the people of Tortilla Flat, liiving in their own, separate community. The paisanos live on the edge of a remote blob of America. Their world is anchored and yet separate, a collection of disparities that’s what made America America in the early 20th century. Tortilla Flat is one of countless communities that look to their common interest but only loosely connect themselves to others and no one much bothers. The sense of federation is far away and the government some remote entity that has little to do with day to day existence, day to day survival. 

In 1935 when the book was published America was recovering from a remote war that touched its local worlds from a great distance. An abstraction only made real when American soldiers came back, or didn’t. Several of the paisanos in Tortilla Flat are war veterans who came home to nothing and drift back into lifestyles of indolence and grift with no complaints and no expectation for much of anything. They live in the woods, on the beach, go with women as it suits. Upon his return from the war Danny discovers that he has inherited two houses in Tortilla Flat. The first one almost immediately catches fire and burns down. The second one Danny moves into along with a couple of his friends who share his lifestyle and values. They gradually accommodate more friends, a bunch of dogs and spend their time telling stories on the sun-warmed porch, and working out how best to get the next gallon of wine and something to eat. Occasionally they go with local women who just as occasionally decide they are in need of a man for a night or two. Chickens go missing and other peoples’ goats get milked. Children are fed and lovers wax and wane.

The story is not so much story as a space Steinbeck creates through the intense interiority of his characters. What a word. I mean that Steinbeck tells you what characters think, why they think as they do, their subtle and sincere rationales for their actions. Pilon, the logician and rationalist, cares only about what makes most sense to achieve his goals with the minimal moral compromise. And he considers the implications of actions and inactions, mostly concluding that he should do as he wants because his motivations and expectations are pure. In the movie of Tortilla Flat Spencer Tracey portrays Pilon as a bit of a rogue, trying to make him lovable but conniving. It doesn’t much work and I don’t think he hit his mark at all. Pilon is, as all the friends are, roguish in his way. But he has a deep sense of connection to those he cares about, especially to Danny. Danny is best described as feckless, a little thick and more concerned with his next thrill than anything else. But Pilon does care, he isn’t just a devious idler a “cunning mixture of good and evil”. All this Steinbeck tells us so beautifully: “Pilon was a lover of beauty and a mystic. He raised his face into the sky and his soul arose out of him into the sun’s afterglow …that Pilon was beautiful, and his thoughts were unstained with selfishness and lust.” 

These men are heroes in their world, champions for each other in word and deed, like medieval knights. They are not at all bothered with the urgencies of facing life’s challenges. Poverty or dispossession are not feared and these men are not pathetic curiosities. These men care about very little and their lives are shaped by small and easily satisfied wants: enough to eat, enough wine to drink, enough love, the occasional fight. We learn humility reading this book so long after it was written and in a world that is so very far from the gentle one Steinbeck shares. The love for that world and those people shines through every line.

Tortilla Flat is a masterclass in fiction writing and it has every marker for what John Steinbeck would come to be most associated with: the wonder of our everyday ordinariness, the need for kindness, survival and our responsibilities to one another and to our world. 

Why you should go see ABBA Voyage

Actually there is no reason to see it at all if you don’t want to. But as a passionate fan I simply had to and I shall go again. It’s strange because I completely ignored ABBA in the 1970s and 1980s and then embraced them wholeheartedly when our daughter was about 4. She was superkeen on one of the ABBA songs covered by a now forgotten band, A-Teens. Another bunch of Swedes? Can’t remember which song, but we gave her ABBA Gold for Christmas and there was no turning back.

So I came to this show, way out in the middle of London nowhere with high expectations of having a fantastic time. And I did, but there was plenty of unexpected too, like the lack of places to eat and drink, bar one, outside the venue. Superkeen you rush off the DLR at Pudding Mill Lane station wanting wine and a wee in almost equal measure, and there is the stunning ABBA Arena massive, black with ABBA in huge bright multicolour letters. But opposite the arena is only a miserable looking bar, dark and uninviting, squatting sullen and sour behind a low picket fence that would do a vampire residence proud. Who know what happens in the shadows behind it, so of course you don’t go in. 

Instead you head quick fast to clear the highly efficient airporty security controls into the arena’s lobby. This huge expanse of reception space also is airport like, but lacks the usual food and drink outlets. It’s an expanse of vaulted wood with coloured lights on the beams matching the external arena sign. It’s reminiscent of super cool mountain lodge, except it’s clever interior design is shaped to accommodate many, many people, and it was heaving on a Wednesday night. The four colours of the themed lights glow everywhere in the arena, on the outside sign, across the ceilings of the lobby, on the arena’s ceiling and even in the avatars’ costumes. Colour coordination all over the place, but the outside lobby still feels airporty.

Instead of the branded food outlets you get in an airport, at the ABBA Arena you get a repeated array of food and drink stations. They’re all branded yellow and black and serve limited selections, all part of the venue’s lowest common denomoninator principles: macaroni cheese, chilli, burgers and so on with cheesy chips an additional veg choice. The alcohol is wine and beer and canned cocktails. Yum.

It’s all very futuristic and brings to mind what bomb shelters would probably look like, if we end up at war and need fully resourced safe spaces. Also branded yellow and black is the tackiest merch place conceivable. The tat shop had on sale the most hideous Christmas jumpers ever, proudly declaring ABBA allegience. As if. There is also a hotel-like VIP lounge, entry £99 each, but once inside everything is free. Of course it is. 

You’re recommended to get to the venue some 90 minutes before the show so that you can enjoy the delights of the not very nice wine and sort of ok food that you have to eat standing up. The loos are spotless and abundant so the queues are barely there, much appreciated after two plus hours on trains. The lobby atmosphere on the night we went was unexpectedly tame and almost subdued. Too many people dressed in their ABBA finest were reconsidering their decisions over warm white wine and macaroni cheese served in a little paper bowl. The fizz and shimmer of anticipation got lost in the shuffle.

But once inside and on your seat the spirit leaps and flames with renewed excitement. The arena’s big but not so big as to leave people on another planet instead of at a performance. The stage is massive and while you wait you’re treated to Scandinavian forest scenes that appear to have magical spirits floating through the trees.

Technology is the real star of this show. It is nothing short of spectacular. The lighting system is literally dazzling, an amazing level of creativity tightly integrated with the constantly changing soundscape. The varied costumes, the slick integration of the live band, analogue recordings and digital enhancements stunned the senses and yet felt cosy. The ABBA avatars are fluid and graceful although Agnetha’s face was definitely a bit immobile, in the way that women who’ve been under the knife too often tend to be. Perhaps that’s on purpose but I prefer to think it a coding shortfall.

The selection of songs was both what you’d want from the many old hits and want you’d want as a surprise: two tracks from the Visitors album. In homage to the old hits many people were dressed per the songs as seen on television and in the films and stage show. But there were plenty of ancient people having a blast, even if they weren’t dressed up. There were also plenty of people who were definitely not ancient also having a blast. Seriously impressive that these newbies even knew all the words to most of the songs. And although the place was packed the temperature was perfect with an atmoshere at once intense yet polite. It reflected the people there who were mostly older and singing along to happy and sad echoes of their own lives. A sprinkling of greying male partners were looking mildly embarrassed and probably wishing they’d stayed in the pub at London Bridge station. But I’d prefer to think they enjoyed being part of so many peoples’ joyfully happy space. That feeling was marvellous, a perfect escape from outside woes and internal turmoils that didn’t get erased, but got put into a different, more positive context. Most of us seemed to know most of the words even to songs that weren’t big hits, old and new.

The performances of ABBA’s latest singles Do I have it in Me and Don’t Shut Me Down were perfect links, past and present. They didn’t so much close the ABBA circle as to invite new hopes for more, somehow we still want more. Mind you we probably don’t want more of the weird Manga like cartoons that popped up a couple of times during the show, presumably during digital switchovers of some sort. Or perhaps to give the avators a binary breather. A Manga cartoon was weirdly the backdrop for Voulez Vous and might have been a questing story involving ancient runes and towers. There may have been pigeons. I struggled valiantly to make the connection but still haven’t managed it. At various points each member of ABBA gives a little welcome via their avatar and a thank you of their own. Björn’s avatar touchingly thanks the audience, “the fifth member of ABBA”, for being there. And then it’s suddenly over and we’re all shuffling back to the DLR with our senses overloaded and a sensation of mild confusion at what we’d just experienced. Recovery was slow and sweet and as we head for another Eurovision where it all began for ABBA, remembering that and ABBA Voyage brings fond reminiscences of 1974 when we were all oh so young and pretty. 

The ABBA Voyage concept or model is where so much performative art is heading. And it’s a wonderful thing as long as live, real body experiences kept happening as well. Without the source there would be no quest or voyage. So maybe in fifty years time we’ll be watching Kaj perform their wonderful sauna song Bara Bada Bastu, favourites to win this year’s Eurovision. Enjoy! 

Byebye blurbs

Once upon a time a blurb was a short description of a book on the flyleaf or the back that told you what the book was about. Over the years the blurb has turned into something much less helpful. What passes for blurbs today are short endorsements of a title, usually by other authors. They often include words like “brilliant” or “heartfelt” or “tour de force”. Nowadays gushing single-sentence guff counts as a blurb.

But modern blurbs are a waste of space, time, energy, eyetime. I’ve thought this for a long time and have mourned the loss of proper back-of-the-book summaries of stories. Now in a move author James Folta describes as “dazzling” publisher Simon & Schuster is dropping the requirement for authors to provide blurbs.

You’ll see at least one blurb on most books, but some have many, many supposedly authorative people offering effusive praise for a title. I managed one blurb for The Draftsman (thank you John Walsh), a debut novel. But successful authors are pushed to come up with as many as possible from names as lofty as possible. Why? Do readers really care if someone thinks a book is written in “effervescent” prose, or if it’s just “impossible to put down”? Or if the author has created a “tour de force”? It might as well be a tour de france or a divinely juicy sandwich you can’t stop chomping on. And should prose be effervescent at all? A nonsense all of it.

What authors want is readers and what readers want is a short summary of what the book’s about. How hard is that to get? What’s maybe more interesting is why publishers think that a bunch of mostly meaningless peer comments are of interest to readers. Is there a belief that if Salman Rushdie or JK Rowling has been arsed to supply a blurb for a book, that potential readers will be induced to cough up and buy the thing? Actually maybe that’s it. Perhaps publishers believe that readers are sheep, inclined to follow the lead of authors they respect. And that’s just silly. So many of the multiple blurbs splattering today’s fiction and nonfiction are written by people most readers have never heard of, because they are produced by the cognescenti of the book scene. It’s another example of the cosy closed world of friends of friends of agents or of colleagues in publishing who might be flattered to be asked. Or who are helping out as insurance for the future. Maybe it’s about protecting the exclusive inner shrine that is is today’s publishing business.

Harvesting blurbs is a soul destroying task for authors and their lexical supply chains. Far better to spend the time on more imaginative forms of promotion, working with alternative distribution channels, massaging the egos of booksellers and librarians and the trade press. Even writing the next book. Anything has to be more rewarding than blurb collecting.

Simon & Schuster’s “dazzling” move is a first, at least a first by a big name publisher. Sean Manning, Simon & Schuster’s president and publisher wrote in Publishers Weekly he’s “decided that beginning in 2025, the Simon & Schuster flagship imprint will no longer require authors to obtain blurbs for their books.” He also said that “this kind of favor trading creates an incestuous and unmeritocratic literary ecosystem that often rewards connections over talent”. This is spot on for an industry that trades on its history as nurturers of the contemporary socio-political et al voice. It’s all very precious, a cosy, protected space. 

More likely Mr Manning has made his decision because he recognises that it’s a waste of salaried peoples’ time collecting blurbs and that they really make little difference to potential buyers. He surely also understands that in today’s oversaturated market, publishers don’t need such unreliable tools to sell books. And besides AI can generate all the tempting whimsy you could possibly want, along with all manner of fictitious author identities, life stories and of course books. And who amongst readers will really care if the next Jilly Cooper title was AI generated. Jilly might but I bet her fans would be thrilled to get the next Rivals, say Rivals II or maybe Rivals: next generation? They’d buy it blurb or no blurb. And as to the AI thing, they just won’t care.

When Hollywood comes to call

Unbound published my first novel, The Draftsman, in 2021. Absent any sort of marketing whatsoever the book sank without a trace. Weirdly (or stupidly) the publishers got 700 copies of the book printed, but had no sort of marketing plan in place to sell them. When the distribution house collapsed earlier this year and had to clear their warehouses, Unbound chose to pulp the remaining books. Before that happened we bought a some at cost to sell online and at literary festivals. The remaining copies of The Draftsman are now living new lives as recycled paper.

Despite a business model that is a great idea for prospective authors, Unbound is best avoided. The idea of crowdfunding publications, essentially the subscription model, is not new but it is an idea that depends for success on active and close collaboration between author and publisher. In the Unbound universe (would that be a u-bend?) the collaboration is entirely onesided. The author is expected to sell the books, rather than being able to trust their publisher to take care of sales. Prospective authors are instead better off working with a project manager to pull together the editorial, production, publishing and marketing processes, on the basis of a revenue split. The disappointment of working with Unbound still haunts me. But their incompetence may have turned out to have a silver lining.

The pulping means that The Draftsman is out of print and that means that the rights to the work revert to me. This is a good thing, especially when Hollywood comes to call. Except that the silver lining thing is a load of old toe. It’s real only for a brief glimmering moment, a moment that with a bit of thought soon turned into a wildfire of haemorraging fantasy. I should explain.

All this excitement was based on several emails and two telephone calls with a bunch of questions including about rights ownership (that silver lining). The emails were from people telling me that The Draftsman has been identified as a possible for a film or television series. This much we know because it is a good book with interesting characters. But the emails said this too. Me being me I forwarded these messages to the originating companies with a note that their email system had been hacked. But then I got another approach to which I responded “is this a joke?” That yielded a further message asking when it would be convenient to chat about the plan. Blimey.

Yeah right, yes you can call me because the exercise will be interesting. So a man rings, not once but twice. He’s extremely polite, professional and keeps repeating the lines. He keeps explaining the process and he keeps reminding me that the details of his emails and of the conversation are subject to a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA), not that one has been signed. Of course this is a scam, and it’s like really, how much do you want from me to progress this. The nice man on the telephone laughed and said they would not be asking for any money. The offer is contingent on all sorts of things and having giving him the confirmations he needed to take things to the next stage, he would be handing over this project to his colleague. And that I should expect further contact within a couple of months. I am being warmed up for the sting, and yet am already considering possibilities for my protagonist, Martin CoxAidan Turner’s too old and gruff; a young Johnny Depp isn’t an option; Timothée Chalamet’s hair is too short and curly; the blue eyed bloke in the Bear could be perfect but he too has short curly hair. And who could play Joshua, my favourite character? The gleaming silver keeps on shining ever brighter. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oscar Wilde’s 170th birthday dinner

Guests at Oscar’s 170 th birthday bash shimmered and shone. They were stars in Oscar’s very own firmament, mingling together for delicious pre-dinner snacks and generous quantities of fizz. And it was real champagne, not the dreaded Prosecco! Robert Whelan (Deputy Chairman, Editor of ‘The Wildean’) welcomed us and James Liu performed “Serenade (for music)” a piece with Oscar’s lyrics and FH Cowen’s music. This wonderful song is a early plea from Paris to Helen to flee with him across the Aegean to Troy. She declines, preferring instead to let Paris abduct her sometime later. Much more fun. After the song, there followed more champagne, more snacks and glamorous hobnobbing. We were a small riot of sparkling colours, feathers and sequins, offset by just the right amount of two tone penguin formals.

Midmingle our Hon. President Gyles Brandreth made a very special welcome and presentation to Joan Winchell, thanking her for supporting the newly published collection of selected articles from The Woman’s World. He pointed out that “if it wasn’t for her this wouldn’t be happening …” adding that “without her we would not have had this book”. He reminded the happy crowd that it had been an ”exciting Oscar Wilde week for many of us, culminating in this evening”. As he handed over the gift to Joan, Gyles explained that, “we are all about to bow or curtesy to you … it’s a British tradition …[you have] been a true friend to us and to the memory and to the genius of Oscar Wilde”. Joan responded with gracious acceptance of the lovely photo and an invitation for Gyles to blow a kiss from her to the crowd. The crowd happily accepted and returned kisses of their own in number.

From the grandeur of the National Liberal Club’s (non)Smoking Room, some 100 + guests moved to the equally auspicious David Lloyd George Room for dinner. Properly warmed up with predinner drinks and canapés people took their seats in keen anticipation of what came next, having no real idea of what that might be. Anticipation is everything, bringing to mind Oscar’s observation that ‘the suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.’

We didn’t have to wait too long for Vanessa Heron (Chairman and Editor of ‘Intentions’) to extend her own warm welcome to everyone, especially those who  had travelled long distances to this dinner. And Vanessa tipped an appreciative nod to her predecessor, Don Mead (Hon. Vice President), “who has almost certainly attended more of these dinners than anyone else”.

Merlin Holland, Oscar’s grandson and archivist, then proposed the toast to to his grandfather. Merlin describes himself as the “keeper of [his] family flame”, and shared family memories touching on what his grandmother Constance had gone through after Oscar’s fall. She faced “an appalling social problem” so horrible that she had to distance herself and her children from all things Wilde, and she did so by changing her name. The change of name was wise, because Oscar never did listen to advice or try to avoid notoriety. He particularly ignored the many requests to keep away from Bosie. Sadly or maybe not, he welcomed Bosie back into his life to sow yet more sorrow and disharmony. Merlin explained that “only this time it happens in slow motion which is worse”. Oscar’s view was that he needed “an atmosphere of love … I need to love and be loved … I still love him, how could I not love him, he wrecked my life?”

In De Profundis Oscar explains that he “was no longer the master of my fate, the captain of my soul” (the reference is to William Ernest Henley’s 1875 poem Invictus). Merlin reminds us that with these lines in De Profundis Oscar had recognised the depths of his collapse and could begin to “come up out of the depths”. He ended his toast preliminaries with a quote from Frank Harris’ 1916 biography of Oscar Wilde where he relays a conversation Frank once had with Oscar. With considerable prescience Oscar had predicted that “a hundred years hence, no one will know anything about Curzon …  whether [he] lived or died will be a matter of indifference to everyone; but my comedies and my stories and ‘The Ballad of Reading Gaol’ will be known and read by millions, and even my unhappy fate will call forth worldwide sympathy.” How right he was about this and so much more. We shared Merlin’s toast: “my grandfather at this, his 170th birthday”. Happy birthday Oscar.

Guests then tucked into three courses of lovely food and more wines. Conversation flowed in a glittering, joyful, sometimes unexpected and definitely noisy torrent. We clearly all shared the unmatched joy that is love of Oscar Wilde, the man, his life and his amazing achievements. Oscar would’ve loved it.

Eleanor Fitzsimons (Hon. Patron) rounded off the evening with a few profiles of the contributors to The Woman’s World. The likes of Elisabeth of Wied, first Queen of Romania, Marie Corelli the English novelist, and Dr Mary Marshall, who along with six other women was forced to campaign to be allowed to graduate as a medical doctor. Wilde championed many women of ambition, ability and courage, using The Woman’s World to give them a platform and visibility. Copies of the book were available for sale at the dinner, but did not last long. The moment for purchasing a copy passed too fast, and like the evening the moment was over much too soon. Drifting home sleepy on the train, I am certain that over us all Oscar’s bemused spirit was surely smiling.

© Laurel Lindström 2024